Love isn't a big enough word here....

Sayer is 6 months old today. So today we celebrated that along with Steve's birthday. Its hard to believe how much has happened since that day 6 months ago when the call finally came saying he was born. I was very deliberate in doing everything possible to hold that moment captive and remember as much of that call and the day as possible. It must have worked because, I still remember it exactly. I knew in that instant that our lives were changed but I had no idea of the complete joy that lay ahead. I remember being on the way to the hospital the next day and suddenly having the thought "what if we got a baby that was really fussy and colicky or didn't bond well with us or that we just didn't click?" I dont know where it came form after all of that time of waiting, but I had a moment of great fear. And then the moment I saw him, it was so clear how perfectly meant to be we all were. All of the days immediately following were just little kisses from God showing me just how perfectly matched we were. And now our days are just filled with complete joy. Sayer is such a happy and content baby. He is full of smiles and giggles just about all the time. He is inquisitive and happy and so loved. I was watching him tonight on our walk and he just kept looking from me to daddy to Zack. I just couldn't help but wonder what was going on his little mind. He just looked like he was so happy to be surrounded by everyone he loves. I wonder if he will ever fully know that joy he has brought to this house?  Im so grateful that God made this adoption path so clear to us. Even in the moments when it seemed to really be dragging on there was a peace that was so evident and looking at this baby, its all so clear. He was meant to be ours and we were meant to be his.

So tonight as I look back on these last 6 months, I am so grateful and so happy and so amazed that God has blessed us so beautifully with this little boy.

It is never far from my mind that the gift of Sayer didn't come without a price to someone else and it is for her that I pray every day and think about constantly. Sayers birth mom is a hero to me. She showed such strength and courage to make the choice for him that she did. I am forever in her debt. I see so much of her in him and that just warms my heart. I look forward to being able to share his whole story with him as he grows up and show him how perfectly God put all the pieces of his life together before he was even conceived. His destiny was in Gods plan long ago.

I was given a beautiful baby gift this past week that included a CD with the most touching song on it. I had to include the lyrics here. I wanted to find the video for it to include, but I cannot find one that isn't personalized by someone else. So the lyrics will do for now.

From God’s Arms, to My Arms, to Yours

So many wrong decisions in my past, I’m not quite sure,
If I can ever hope to trust my judgment anymore.
But lately I’ve been thinking, cause it’s all I’ve had to do
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
And maybe you can tell your baby,
When you love him so that he’s been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your son, from God’s arms,
To my arms, to yours.
If you choose to tell him, and if he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floors.
I knew the only peace I’d find was if this child was yours.
And maybe you can tell your baby,
When you love him so that he’s been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your son, from God’s arms,
To my arms, to yours.
Know I know that you don’t have to do this,
But could you kiss him once for me,
The first time that he ties his shoes,
or falls and skins his knees?

And could you hold him twice as long
When he makes his mistakes?
And tell him that he’s not alone,
Sometimes that’s all it takes.
I know how much he’ll ache.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me,
And I’m not on a soap box saying how we all should be.
I’m just trusting in my feelings, and I’m trusting God above,
And I’m trusting you can give this baby all his mother’s love.
And maybe, you can tell your baby,
When you love him so that he’s been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your son, From God’s arms,
To my arms to yours.

                                                             Music by Michael McLean

Mamas Day

As I look ahead to this Mothers Day weekend, I have to smile. My heart is full of gratitude for the honor and privilege to be a mom. It is my lifelong dream come true. While other girls were aspiring to be doctors or lawyers or veterinarians or members of corporate America, I was daydreaming about babies and one day being a mom. I never imagined just how great it would really be though, or that it would be ALL boys. But what a joy. As I write this now little Sayer is snuggled into me as close as he can get and I just treasure that sweetness, I already had the good night-sleep tight- don't let the bed bugs bite, talk with the teens( yes they still indulge me). Being the mother of teens is a very special treat. Im serious!!!! I love their sense of humor and their take on life experiences, I love the way they still need me even though the needs have changed. I love the child likeness about them even as they are spreading their wings and discovering how high they can fly. Mothering them makes me a better person. But this year another perspective on Mothers Day will be celebrated too. The celebration of the hero and unselfish loving mother that Sayers Birth Mom is. I cannot even begin to imagine the choice she made, or the depth of love that she displayed, but my gratitude to her for it, is immeasurable. I don't know the circumstances that led to her choice but I know she was strong in her resolve. The strength and love she showed through her choice is a beautiful display of a mothers love indeed. She gave me such a precious treasure of a gift and really made every day mothers day for me. I've learned a lot about being a strong and unselfish mom from the woman who couldn't keep her baby to mother herself. Isn't that ironic? So this weekend while I get to enjoy the glory of being a mom, I will be thinking so dearly of the woman who helped make me one, one more time!!!! God Bless birth moms.

Long overdue UPDATE........

These past 4-5 months have been a whirlwind. When I look back at the last time I updated this blog Its terrible that it was way back in September. I have to say that the great excitement that drove me to create this blog started to get replaced with dread as I searched for ways to post updates and find new things to sound excited about, when I was feeling very down and out about how this adoption journey was all going to turn out. My faith was strong to to be sure, but I was always feeling like it was a daunting task to post something on here and have 'no-news'. But THEN........When there was news it came like a BLAZE OF GLORY and its been non stop around here ever since. I wrote about it, in part anyway, in our recent church newsletter..........


~For I know the plans I have for you”, declares The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”~ Jeremiah 29:11

As I look back on the events that led to Sayer coming into our family, It’s overwhelming to think about all of the ways God has revealed himself to me. I would say the biggest lesson if you will, in these past two years has been my completely letting go and completely trusting God in the tiniest of details. I am one who kind of likes to have things ‘in order’. Well the adoption journey is definitely a path of dis-order. It’s been a real test of strength and faith and most of all trust, as I have leaned on God and sought Him every step of the way.  As one door would close I would ask for clarity and EVERY SINGLE TIME I would receive the most reassuring calm, and know that simply trusting God and His timing was all I needed to do. As many of you know we started this adoption journey on the other side of the world, in hopes of a little girl from Ethiopia. Little did we know that God would burst open a door right here in our own backyard in Illinois and had for us, a precious little boy.  All along the way I had been praying for God to make clear to us His Hand in this process. I was desperate to see His Hand in all of this. On the days when I felt like the waiting was just too much to take, I would trust. On the days when I felt so alone in this journey with no one to understand how I was feeling, I would trust. On the days when I questioned if this was even the right thing to do, I would trust. Eventually I was just surrounded by a peace I cannot explain, and the urgency I had been feeling for a baby turned into the daily need for God’s Direction in it all, no matter how it all turned out, even if it turned out that this wasn’t meant to be. As the Ethiopia option had come to a grinding halt with longer and longer wait times, it was becoming clearer to me that path was not to be. I was really sad about that and it took time for Steve to come to that same realization. This was June. In the meantime we began working with various agencies domestically, and assumed that once we decided to do that, that our wait would be short as we were open to any race. In October one of agencies called finally, and wondered if we would be open to twin girls? That was a new thought and we considered it and ultimately passed on being considered for that situation due to some health concerns in the background, but it was a good circumstance for us to be faced with because as we sought Him, we felt a clear leading of ‘NO’ but also recognized that maybe God was preparing us for something we hadn’t planned on through this. The very next day another set of twins came about and we felt much better about that situation. We decided to submit our profile and see what happens. This was for a boy and a girl and they were to be delivered in 3 days. WOW. So we got busy thinking of boy names and were stuck. We could not agree on anything. I went to bed that night and had a dream about SAER (We changed the spelling). I had never heard of that name before and I quickly looked it up in my baby name book. It means ‘Carpenter’. I had an overwhelming sense that this name was from God and that He had a specific plan for a specific child and again I was just so at peace at however this situation turned out and whatever happened.  It might sound strange but its things just like this all along the way, that were our little reassurances from God in a process that is so uncertain. When the situation for these twins didn’t happen, we felt a little disappointed but I was sure that this whole thing came about as just another step in our story. I wasn’t sure where we were heading and where it would all end up, or if it would even end up with a baby for us, but I was sure of God’s plan in it all as never before. As Thanksgiving approached, life was busier than ever with Steve’s work schedule and how it was impacting the whole family. I was really looking forward to the downtime of the holiday weekend. I was looking forward to having some time with my husband and have some real conversations about things. I was more and more sure we needed to pull out if Ethiopia and he just wanted to take a little more time to pray about it and feel comfortable with letting that dream go. So after a week of serious prayer, on Sunday Dec 3^rd, Steve gave the go ahead to contact our family coordinator in Virginia and let her know we were pulling out of the program. It was a sad decision to have to come to, but the emotional toll from the uncertainty of the Ethiopian government was just becoming too much and we felt our focus needed to be in a domestic program. First thing on Monday morning Dec 4^th I sent out the email to our agency for Ethiopia. I told her of our decision and thanked them for their help and support in our adoption journey. Around 12 noon that very same day I received a call out of the blue from our Illinois social worker who had a ‘situation’ she wanted to share with us. All I heard her say was that, and I burst into tears. I cannot explain any other reason for it than I KNEW as sure as I knew anything, that this was the call we had been waiting for. After months of agonizing over what to do in regard to Ethiopia, we finally took a step and that very same day God opened the door that would change our lives and our family forever. This situation was for a baby of unknown gender and she wondered if that was ok with us as we had wanted a girl. I couldn’t even talk to her. Sobbing, I just handed the phone to Steve. He had to be wondering what the heck was wrong with me and who on earth was on the other end of that phone. We gave her the go ahead to present us to this Birth Mother and she picked us. I wasn’t surprised. God blessed me so beautifully when our social worker Maria told me that upon choosing us to parent her child she specifically called me by name. She said ‘I want Jennifer’. God knew I needed clear direction and He provided it by literally having me called out by name. Over the next couple of weeks, as we got the limited details that were available, what stood out to me was that Birth Mom specifically made the decision to not name the baby in the hospital and allow us to give him a name. In an instant I understood the dream I had previously about Sayer. I knew that the ultra sound planned for the following week was going to show that this baby was a boy. God had named this child before we even knew this child was going to be. Obviously there is so much more to this whole story and I could go on and on about all of the ways that God has revealed Himself to us in this, but the main thing is the realization for me and us, as a family, and someday Sayer to know, that God’s Design IS in our lives and the seemingly tiny details reflect His Plans for our lives, we just have to take notice. We are so excited to watch Sayer grow up knowing how His Father loved him and planned for him before he was even born, of how He was preparing his family for him through this adoption journey, before he was even conceived. What an Awesome God we have.  

~Psalms 139:13-18~ For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand-when I awake, I am still with you.