Mamas Day

As I look ahead to this Mothers Day weekend, I have to smile. My heart is full of gratitude for the honor and privilege to be a mom. It is my lifelong dream come true. While other girls were aspiring to be doctors or lawyers or veterinarians or members of corporate America, I was daydreaming about babies and one day being a mom. I never imagined just how great it would really be though, or that it would be ALL boys. But what a joy. As I write this now little Sayer is snuggled into me as close as he can get and I just treasure that sweetness, I already had the good night-sleep tight- don't let the bed bugs bite, talk with the teens( yes they still indulge me). Being the mother of teens is a very special treat. Im serious!!!! I love their sense of humor and their take on life experiences, I love the way they still need me even though the needs have changed. I love the child likeness about them even as they are spreading their wings and discovering how high they can fly. Mothering them makes me a better person. But this year another perspective on Mothers Day will be celebrated too. The celebration of the hero and unselfish loving mother that Sayers Birth Mom is. I cannot even begin to imagine the choice she made, or the depth of love that she displayed, but my gratitude to her for it, is immeasurable. I don't know the circumstances that led to her choice but I know she was strong in her resolve. The strength and love she showed through her choice is a beautiful display of a mothers love indeed. She gave me such a precious treasure of a gift and really made every day mothers day for me. I've learned a lot about being a strong and unselfish mom from the woman who couldn't keep her baby to mother herself. Isn't that ironic? So this weekend while I get to enjoy the glory of being a mom, I will be thinking so dearly of the woman who helped make me one, one more time!!!! God Bless birth moms.

Long overdue UPDATE........

These past 4-5 months have been a whirlwind. When I look back at the last time I updated this blog Its terrible that it was way back in September. I have to say that the great excitement that drove me to create this blog started to get replaced with dread as I searched for ways to post updates and find new things to sound excited about, when I was feeling very down and out about how this adoption journey was all going to turn out. My faith was strong to to be sure, but I was always feeling like it was a daunting task to post something on here and have 'no-news'. But THEN........When there was news it came like a BLAZE OF GLORY and its been non stop around here ever since. I wrote about it, in part anyway, in our recent church newsletter..........


~For I know the plans I have for you”, declares The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”~ Jeremiah 29:11

As I look back on the events that led to Sayer coming into our family, It’s overwhelming to think about all of the ways God has revealed himself to me. I would say the biggest lesson if you will, in these past two years has been my completely letting go and completely trusting God in the tiniest of details. I am one who kind of likes to have things ‘in order’. Well the adoption journey is definitely a path of dis-order. It’s been a real test of strength and faith and most of all trust, as I have leaned on God and sought Him every step of the way.  As one door would close I would ask for clarity and EVERY SINGLE TIME I would receive the most reassuring calm, and know that simply trusting God and His timing was all I needed to do. As many of you know we started this adoption journey on the other side of the world, in hopes of a little girl from Ethiopia. Little did we know that God would burst open a door right here in our own backyard in Illinois and had for us, a precious little boy.  All along the way I had been praying for God to make clear to us His Hand in this process. I was desperate to see His Hand in all of this. On the days when I felt like the waiting was just too much to take, I would trust. On the days when I felt so alone in this journey with no one to understand how I was feeling, I would trust. On the days when I questioned if this was even the right thing to do, I would trust. Eventually I was just surrounded by a peace I cannot explain, and the urgency I had been feeling for a baby turned into the daily need for God’s Direction in it all, no matter how it all turned out, even if it turned out that this wasn’t meant to be. As the Ethiopia option had come to a grinding halt with longer and longer wait times, it was becoming clearer to me that path was not to be. I was really sad about that and it took time for Steve to come to that same realization. This was June. In the meantime we began working with various agencies domestically, and assumed that once we decided to do that, that our wait would be short as we were open to any race. In October one of agencies called finally, and wondered if we would be open to twin girls? That was a new thought and we considered it and ultimately passed on being considered for that situation due to some health concerns in the background, but it was a good circumstance for us to be faced with because as we sought Him, we felt a clear leading of ‘NO’ but also recognized that maybe God was preparing us for something we hadn’t planned on through this. The very next day another set of twins came about and we felt much better about that situation. We decided to submit our profile and see what happens. This was for a boy and a girl and they were to be delivered in 3 days. WOW. So we got busy thinking of boy names and were stuck. We could not agree on anything. I went to bed that night and had a dream about SAER (We changed the spelling). I had never heard of that name before and I quickly looked it up in my baby name book. It means ‘Carpenter’. I had an overwhelming sense that this name was from God and that He had a specific plan for a specific child and again I was just so at peace at however this situation turned out and whatever happened.  It might sound strange but its things just like this all along the way, that were our little reassurances from God in a process that is so uncertain. When the situation for these twins didn’t happen, we felt a little disappointed but I was sure that this whole thing came about as just another step in our story. I wasn’t sure where we were heading and where it would all end up, or if it would even end up with a baby for us, but I was sure of God’s plan in it all as never before. As Thanksgiving approached, life was busier than ever with Steve’s work schedule and how it was impacting the whole family. I was really looking forward to the downtime of the holiday weekend. I was looking forward to having some time with my husband and have some real conversations about things. I was more and more sure we needed to pull out if Ethiopia and he just wanted to take a little more time to pray about it and feel comfortable with letting that dream go. So after a week of serious prayer, on Sunday Dec 3^rd, Steve gave the go ahead to contact our family coordinator in Virginia and let her know we were pulling out of the program. It was a sad decision to have to come to, but the emotional toll from the uncertainty of the Ethiopian government was just becoming too much and we felt our focus needed to be in a domestic program. First thing on Monday morning Dec 4^th I sent out the email to our agency for Ethiopia. I told her of our decision and thanked them for their help and support in our adoption journey. Around 12 noon that very same day I received a call out of the blue from our Illinois social worker who had a ‘situation’ she wanted to share with us. All I heard her say was that, and I burst into tears. I cannot explain any other reason for it than I KNEW as sure as I knew anything, that this was the call we had been waiting for. After months of agonizing over what to do in regard to Ethiopia, we finally took a step and that very same day God opened the door that would change our lives and our family forever. This situation was for a baby of unknown gender and she wondered if that was ok with us as we had wanted a girl. I couldn’t even talk to her. Sobbing, I just handed the phone to Steve. He had to be wondering what the heck was wrong with me and who on earth was on the other end of that phone. We gave her the go ahead to present us to this Birth Mother and she picked us. I wasn’t surprised. God blessed me so beautifully when our social worker Maria told me that upon choosing us to parent her child she specifically called me by name. She said ‘I want Jennifer’. God knew I needed clear direction and He provided it by literally having me called out by name. Over the next couple of weeks, as we got the limited details that were available, what stood out to me was that Birth Mom specifically made the decision to not name the baby in the hospital and allow us to give him a name. In an instant I understood the dream I had previously about Sayer. I knew that the ultra sound planned for the following week was going to show that this baby was a boy. God had named this child before we even knew this child was going to be. Obviously there is so much more to this whole story and I could go on and on about all of the ways that God has revealed Himself to us in this, but the main thing is the realization for me and us, as a family, and someday Sayer to know, that God’s Design IS in our lives and the seemingly tiny details reflect His Plans for our lives, we just have to take notice. We are so excited to watch Sayer grow up knowing how His Father loved him and planned for him before he was even born, of how He was preparing his family for him through this adoption journey, before he was even conceived. What an Awesome God we have.  

~Psalms 139:13-18~ For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand-when I awake, I am still with you. 

Windows on the World

When I was a child, I went with my dad on a business trip to NYC. It was a very exciting trip. It was my first airplane ride. First, and so far only, Broadway show....42nd Street. We went to the top of the Empire State Building. We stayed at a fancy hotel on Long Island. I have to say the most memorable, and now most precious memory of that trip, was our fancy dinner out to Windows On The World..at the top of the World Trade Center Tower 1, on the 107th floor.  I was so in awe of this really awesome place. There was bathroom attendant, and tuxedo waiters and I really felt like I was on top of the world. Now10 years after the attacks on those buildings and this country, I treasure even more, that wonderful memory. I am so grateful to be grounded in my faith and know the promises of God. The plans that God has in store for this world and everyone in it, are far greater than the deepest grief, sorrow, pain and fear these attacks brought us. That thought reminds me very much Romans 8:18 ~ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us. (ISV)

9 years ago today, my life changed forever........

Today is the anniversary of the very first email Steve ever sent me. We were both newly registered on www.christianmatchmaker.com and learning how to navigate our free 7 day trial. We were both freshly on our way out of our marriages and dealing with the pain of divorce and loneliness and fear of single parenting. We really turned to the online dating thing as a way to test the waters and see if we had a chance at love again, looking for friendships of people who could relate to where we were at and what we were going through. I had made up my mind that I was not going to pursue anyone as my choices were not working out too hot. I spent many hours in prayer over the decision to sign up for this site and my strongest prayer in all of it was that if God had someone out there who was what He wanted for me and my two little boys, that He would make it clear and obvious, I need a 2x4 on occasion, and that whoever it would be, would seek me out. So.......on August 29th 2002, came the first email from Steve285.

STEVE285

NORWJEN974

We connected right away and really clicked (obviously). We both had pain to work through and lots of ground to cover before we found our way to the altar, but it was clear early on that this was no ordinary situation. Soon after our correspondences were revealing a deeper connection than I had ever known with any other human being, it occurred to me that in case this turns out to be as special as I think, I printed off and kept a record of every single email sent back and forth. I kept them in order from the very first, to when we both signed off the site with our love match. Now we have an unbelievable record and account of our loves first blossoms. I really had no idea at the time that this would be such treasure. Its really a great resource for the occassionsal "oh yes you did say that....here it is on day 32 at 9:15 a.m", but beyond that fun, it is so, so sweet to be able to see the growth we have had as individuals and the vulnerabilities we so openly shared with one another. I think most people who know us, see a certain uniqueness to us and I really believe it stems, obviously first and foremost from God, but also the avenue He provided for us to be able to so honestly and openly reveal our hearts and hurts and dreams with each other. I knew very early on that I was falling for this Steve 285, and I was terrified and certain all at the same time. My life changed forever that day.




We corresponded and talked and laughed and cried and prayed with each other for 4 months before we finally met face to face. I was head over heels by the time Dec. 20th 2002 rolled around. We met in downtown Chicago just 5 days before Christmas. Steve was everything I expected and then some. We went on a romantic carriage ride as the snow softly fell. We went to dinner and a show.  The magic of the season mirrored the magic that was happening between us. He treated me like a princess who just discovered the prince she thought only lived in her dreams.By the time I was headed back home to Indiana, I knew it was going to be a rough time ahead. I was in-love and Steve was still healing. Waiting has never been my strong point. But I knew this was going to be worth any wait and any heartache we had to go through, to get to where we were meant to be.




Over the next few months, I finished school and then packed up myself and my little ones and we moved to Wisconsin. This was a great time for the three of us. We settled into a new little apartment and Kindergarten for Zack, 3rd grade for Ricky and full time job for mom. Our life was on a new road. Steve and I were able to start dating more as we were only 2 hours from each other now, and our love started to develop on an even deeper level. We took our time with who we were becoming. We met each other's parents and friends and then we introduced the kids into our relationship. It wasn't long then, before he bent down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.


So after two years of learning about each other and discovering many things about ourselves, the love that started growing back on that day of Aug 29th 2002, became the celebration of our marriage in April 2004. This man who is my best friend and wonderful husband, still gets me blushing and smiling like he did in those earliest days. Looking back over this collection of emails today has had me beaming all over again. All of those butterfly emotions come flooding back and I am so grateful that I haven't forgotten, in the business of life and blending a family, what it feels like to fall in love all over again with my husband. He is a gift from God and the treasure that our love is, is one that has His fingerprints all over it. 

Alabama Beach Pics!!!



So glad I found this photographer. This was great fun and a tradition we can carry on every Spring Break now. We are so hopeful that next year, our little girl will be in the photos too!!!!!

~Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.~



 ~Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of  singing has come.~

                                    

                                       



Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?



~And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season;his leaf also shall not wither;and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.~

~I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
marvelous are Thy works;and that my soul knoweth right well.



~But as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord.~



Spring in Coming.............

We are thawing out here in Chicagoland. little buds are showing up on the trees and tulips will be popping any minute. We started Spring with a FABULOUS Spring Break trip down south where the roses are in full bloom!!!!

We stopped in Nashville and The Grand Ole Opry on our way to Alabama to the Gulf coast. Oh how I love the south. Alabama is our new favorite spot for sure. If you ever cant find me....look south. I like to think of myself as a southern girl. I was born and raised in the south after all.....it was just southern California. In any case.....I loved the week of sunshine and surf. It was great to have Steve with us for a whole week too as he has been traveling so much lately.

It was much needed family time. We spent alot of time on the beach, went to the USS ALABAMA, did some shopping and of course made a visit or two to The Waffel House.

While we were away...our adoption agency went referral crazy and we went from #41 to #36 for an infant girl!!!! YAY. Still a ways to go, yes....but we will take it. 36 is my new favorite number!!!



Zack trying to catch his towel  in the wind.












Rick and Zack looking for some waves



loving the sunshine!!















Jennifer's Walk

This has been a strange week for me. I didnt plan on it being this way, but it turned out to be. I wont go into the details about exactly how or why or what led to this, but I have had a week of deep contemplation. Contemplation of how I got here to this place in my life. Why am I who I am...and  how am I not who Im not? See what I mean, strange? As I had really been exploring some of these things...things at the core of who I am, I discovered one of my first books, if not my VERY first book. Jennifer's Walk by Anne Carrier

Well....how appropriate????

I flipped through it and suddenly started to wonder if some of the ways I think about life and home and family and 'mommying' stem from this very book? There are sweet illustrations of a farmhouse and open land with fields of daisies and home and adventure (within the safe bounderies of the homestead). The story was of  a little girl's independence and the safety and security of her return home with open arms waiting for her....reaching out to recieve her. What I remember loving most about this book was the inside cover that showed the map of this girls "walk". Like little breadcrumbs...a bird's eye view. All of her adventures from beginning to end ~but showing the full picture!!! Looking through this book again made me think instantly about my life and all of my adventure's  and many mis-adventures too. About the dreams that I have been chasing all my life and have been so blessed to have many of them come true. Inevitabley it made me contemplate my 'own walk'. How my life's walk has become, by God's Grace, my Christian walk. How God has been leading me the whole way, even  before I knew Him. Preparing my steps and paving my way To Him. I just had to find the right road. That wasn't exactly easy...but it has been worth arriving at the destination.

                                           

My walk started in sunny southern California. There I grew up loving sunshine and how it feels on my skin  and how it looks on the water. I was born to love the ocean and mountains and being barefoot. I learned how to sing John Denver songs before I even learned to talk. I always loved babies and I am sure it started with my baby brother. In reaching back into the depths of my memories though, some things were scary to the little girl I was on the adventure through my young life. I remember walking to school in Kindergarten this one particular day (alone....UM...I guess I dont NEED to know why, but why?????? ) and  a group of three boys, big scary boys...probably 2nd graders, told me that I cannot walk on that side of the street any more and that if I did it again, they would  break  my nose. Well  you better belive I never walked on that side of the street again. I was terrified of their threat. I remember being so pre-occupied by the thought of them actually breaking my nose, that I know I worried about it ALOT. It's so strange to think about it 32 years later and remember that feeling of  fear. I also remember having to knock on the car window of my crossing guard to wake him up so he could get me accross the busy street. The feeling of being 5 and having to wake up the the person whose job it was to protect me from traffic was puzzling to me...even then. From an early age I got the impression that I had to be on my toes.

I also remember my mom being distracted. Sadly...but to be honest...it always felt to me like she was too distracted for me. She was sick alot. I remember her talking to me about dying. How if she died she would still  keep an eye on me and I would know she was near because she would "come back" as a bee and I shouldn't be afraid of bees, I would know it was her becuase she would land on me, but not sting me.  WHAT????? At the very young age of 5 or 6, when a little girl should be dreaming of growing up to be just like her mom, I remember thinking .....that is crazy. I was from that moment on, terrified of  (A) my mom dying and (B) Bees. She died when I was ten. I walked into the world of becoming an adult too young on that day. I assumed the role of  mother to myself  and my brother. Already my life was a winding road.

I survived Kindergarten and so did my nose. I survived the death of my mother~and I never had a bee sting. I survived Middle School and High School and my first love. I survived being a step-daughter and earthquakes and cross country moves and bad choices. I survived young adulthood. I walked into marriage at the very young age of 20. Then I quickly walked into the best years of my life when I was 21. No... not because I could finally drink~ that never held any allure for me~ When I was 21, Ricky was born. My first baby....my dream come true. My treasure...my reason for being born. To love this child, to be his mommy to be his protector and peanut butter and jelly maker. To be his cheerleader through life and walk him to Kindergarten....(no one was gonna be breaking any noses on my watch). 3 years later, Zachary was born. How could one girl be so darn  lucky????  I had two of  the CUTEST and SWEETEST baby boys ever, and they were the center of my life. Life wasn't easy by any means...but those boys made life worth living. This marriage road was a rocky one. At times a scary one. Eventually I had a choice to make and contemplated with much fear which road to take....and I walked  towards the road to PEACE.

It was during this time that I discovered the identity of the still, small voice that had been guiding me and calling me and protecting me all my life. It was The Voice and The Call of my Heavenly Father and He was calling me to come and forever be protected and safe in Him. I have been on this walk with My Lord for 11  years now. I have learned to wait on Him. Hope in Him. Live in Him. Trust in Him. These things have not been easy. Discovering Him honestly was the easy part. Learning how to live for Him and re-define my life as His and not my own has not been easy. To put the pain down and leave it there. To search my heart and sift through my dreams, and find  the ones he planted there early on. To discover the ones to keep and others to leave  behind, has been a process. I have learned to like myself as I have learned to see myself ,with even a glimpse of how He sees me. I have sought Him out, and He has revealed  more and more of Himself to me.

He has taken me from being a scared little girl with a love for sunshine and a song in her heart, to a woman who is living the dreams He planted there before the beginning of time. He has set me on the road to eternity with Him. He has designed  me with a soft heart and a strong spirit. He has blessed me with a strong hand to hold and the safe protective embrace of my husband. He has blessed me with healthy wonderful children. He has blessed me with a strong network of great friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. My life is full and grand and perfectly mine. He has now set me on a path to be a mother to a baby girl on the other side of the world. With all of the mess that troubles this world and all of the hardship and heartache that infects this planet... He has designed a path for me to bring me closer to Him. He called me to be His and gave me ears to hear.

I have realized that I am not on this road alone, and I never was.


"Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart."
~Jeremiah 1:5

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

~Psalm 139:16